Some people! 

I know!!!!!!!  Anyways, did you hear what he said about our conversation?

Yeah, it’s right here.  http://grantschnarr.wordpress.com/2011/04/29/mehmet-and-me/#comment-56

So here I am sitting in the den studying.  The dog is outside and the door is slightly ajar so he can come in and out.  I’m looking some stuff up on the computer when I hear a noise and look over to see the dog.  He bursts through the door, walks up to me, projectile vomits all over the floor in front of me and on my shoes, and then turns around and walks back outside.

What a remarkable dog!  

It’s gonna be a good day.

I knew you’d see the positive.

Right, GA.  Right.

Hi GA.  Do angels have wings?

   Only when we need them.

Like I was wondering how you would sleep if you had those big wings on your      back all the time.

Yeah.  You know that whole wing thing is made up.  You know how much I don’t quote the Bible, but if you look at where my friends show up, like especially around the Easter story, like when the angel rolls away the stone, or the angels are seen inside Christ’s tomb, and so on, does it say they have wings?  No!  Do you think if  they had these big fluttering wings maybe someone would, possibly mention it?  No, but don’t tell that to the people who claim they know what the Bible says.  Those folks have such a hard time when they get here because they have to let go of so many silly ideas.  ”But the Bible says…”  My response, “The Bible says a lot of things, and you’re only seeing about 1% of it.”  Anyways, so yeah, we sometimes have wings when we want them, and we can fly with or without them.  

So, why do people see angels as having wings?

Some people actually see angels with wings, like that kid in that new NDE book, who comes from a born again Christian background, because that’s what he wanted to see!  People who first come into this world, or who visit, see it the way they imagined, so it’s not a shock to them, but it’s way better than anyone could imagine, and more common sense than people believe.  The reason we’re depicted as having wings is because, for the most part, it shows that we have special powers, and abilities to be anywhere at any time, and that we can soar, as it were, up to the highest places, heavenly places, beautiful places.  But truth is, we don’t even need wings to do that, just like you don’t need wings to saor, do you?

No, I don’t.  I can soar without them.

Me too.  And besides you’re right.  Sleeping on those wings would be a royal pain in the rear.

Shut it!

Goodbye Sweetie!

Hey.  It’s been awhile.

Got depressed over the weekend.  Can’t say I can put my finger on it, like I went out with Tammy and a bunch of people to hear this local band play, and it was great fun.  But the next day I just sank.  I often find myself looking into my life to see what’s got me down, but really, sometimes I think it’s better just to say, I feel the way I feel and it will change,” and don’t get all worked up over it.  It comes and it goes, and that’s just freakin life!

I suppose it depends on how low you get, and how often and things like that, but I do hear you that some of these ups and downs, especially when you’re growing up, is, well, normal.  

“Normal” is a word no one has EVER applied in describing me, so that’s funny.  But I consider it a compliment coming from you.  Why not just be “normal” rather than always thinking I’m different or suffering like no one else, or even I’m so much smarter than most people.  BTW, I am, but that’s another subject.  So, I went to the funeral, you know, the man I was talking about, and I’m glad I did.  The minister spent almost no time at all talking about the man’s disability in his last years of pain, and said so many good things about the man’s life I really got to see that the man had a wonderful life and did so much for so many people.  I left there feeling really good about looking at person’s whole life instead of just the bad.

Can you feel that way about yourself?  It sounds like you’ve been learning something.

What do you mean?

I mean maybe it’s hard to see all the good things in your life, or even see what kind of effect for good you’re having on people, and who you really are, when the hard things seem to be so big, and they’re easier to remember, I guess.

I think if there is one thing I have been learning, through all this crap I’ve been through is that sometimes the best thing you can do is just keep living.

That sounds kind of, well, depressing.

I don’t mean it like, cause if you don’t you’re gonna die.  I mean like, living to see what’s next, being open, letting whatever is in front of me just be there, and pass, and something new is always…not even right around the corner.  More like, something new is always right there, any time.  So, even when I get down, I don’t go into this poor me thing.

Uh.

OK.  OK.  Shut up!  I do it less!

OK

And it’s not like, hey, stay tuned!  Tomorrow is going to be super duper!!! Yayzeees!  That’s more Tammy’s style.  Ugh.  But more like, yep, here I am, and I accept that, and everything.  I choose to live.  And I think that’s what I liked about the funeral, and especially what his sons said about him afterward, just so glowing about their dad and all he did and was, even with his flaws, that we all have.  No one’s perfect you know.  You’re not perfect.  Are angels perfect?

Damned straight!

Ahhh.  Good.  That’s what I thought.  Cause you’d be a real prick if you were perfect.

Get back to your point.

Well, his life, his whole life, and his impact, from when he was born, married, kids, work, grandpa, even in his days of wheelchair and pain – he lived.  He really lived, and I think that’s what I want to do.  No, that’s what I am doing.  And that can be really a quiet kind of life, or rock the hell out of the world, in a good way.

Of course.  I mean if you’re going to rock hell out of the world, that’s good.  It’s when you rock it into the world, then we’ve got a problem.

And I guess I have hope.

I know you heard the minister at the end.  That he’s left his crutches behind, and he’s up there playing ball, and meeting all his friends, and having a blast.  In fact, I had a catch with him yesterday.  

You just make this crap up.

Not really.  I did it for you.  I wanted to see first hand his transition into this world in spirit, and watch him grow into the young, bright, happy soul he really always was inside.  I just wanted to be able to meet him after you talked with him, and not say anything, but maybe, “Hello, and throw over here!”  And I wanted to come back here and tell you personally, that he’s himself now, more than ever before, and in the eyes of eternity, it’s all really, really good. …  But you kind of told me that before I could tell you.

Well, I can feel it.  But that you would do that for me, makes me happy.  And thinking of him, like you described, makes me want to cry.…in a good way.

Hey.  You look…tired?

I got plenty of sleep.  I’m just a little down right now.  You know, I can’t really say there is some specific reason.  Sometimes it’s like its just time to be down, and things get quiet.  I messed up in class today, read the wrong assignment and even opened up my big mouth and made a speech about what I read, and people just kept silent and kinda just stared at me, and I knew something was wrong, but it wasn’t till I got home that I looked up what we were supposed to do and realized I’d read next week’s assignment instead of todays!

Did you give a presentation on the wrong thing?

No, I mean I just raised my hand and pontificated for awhile – the usual Nicole Knowitall Bealert thingy.

Oh that.  Hey I do that all the time.  In heaven you lose track of time frequently, because really, there are no clocks here.  You just do what you want to do as long as you want to do it, but then I sometimes find myself so lost in what I’m doing, like hanging out under a tree with my dog, that I forget what day it is.

You have a dog?

Yeah, he’s a old friend, goes with me a lot of the time when I walk in the woods by myself.  Other times he hangs out at home or goes on his own adventure with friends.  But he always shows up when I need him.  That’s sort of how it works here.

What kind of dog is it?

I’m tempted to say it’s a Bealert, but I won’t.

You just did.  And I’m allowed to say my name sounds like I’m some dog breed but not you, or I’ll start calling you names people probably aren’t too familiar with where you’re from!

Well, he is a mixed breed, and maybe more like a wolf than a beagle, but a really sweet wolf.  In fact, that’s his name – Wolf.  I was going to name him “Woof” but I thought that might confuse him, and he’d start barking at me.  But anyways, what’s up with you today?

IDN that’s “I don’t know” if we never covered that one.

Why isn’t it IDK?  I mean, that’s confusing!

IDN

Great!

Ok, so even this little conversation has lifted me a little.  But I was thinking about that very nice man who passed away, and someone said, unrelated to him, “God never gives us more than we can handle.”  I think of him with those rods in his back, and him suffering for so long, and I think of everything I went through, and man, look at what is going on today all over the world it seems, people suffering from overwhelming stuff, and God?  I don’t think I believe even the premise that God gives us any of that!  Like that man, is it like God says, “OK, well Mr. Soandso, let’s give him cancer and break his back, and make him suffer for years, and I can see he can handle that, right up to the fifth operation, and then we’ll back off a bit, cause he’ll be close to breaking, but we’ll push it all the way up to the breaking point, just so he can learn a good lesson and all that”?  Bull PUCKIES!!!!!

Now that’s one I’ve never heard before, and I’m not even going to ask.  Hey.  I agree.  I think people are just stuck on this idea that God does all these things TO us, and really, it’s more that these things happen because of the way the world works, and life, and suffering, and God let’s things happen that look huge here, but in eternity are just a pin prick in our preparation for heaven, but he doesn’t MAKE them happen.

I knew it!  God didn’t give me cancer!  God didn’t break that man’s back!

God doesn’t hurt people – period.  Again, he’s not some dude with white hair sitting on a throne throwing out indiscriminate commands.  Think of him first as just love, energy, yeah, the CREATIVE FORCE for good, and then put that into a human form if you want to.  It’s not that God wound up the world and let it go.  He’s there in all those things, and in every one of them, he’s so cool, and omniscient that he can bring purpose out of them, he can bring good out of them, he can bring lessons for each individual involved out of everything, and he can lead everyone to himself through anything, because of his awesome way he is present in everything and every action or motion in the world has an infinite built in number of Divine reactions leading us to one thing, if we let him.

Heaven.

Yeah, and that’s really just being in him, in LOVE, LIGHT, yada yada.

That “yada yada”… is that kinda like Jesus saying the angels say Yay Yay and Nay Nay or whatever?

Yeah, more like the “whatever.”

OK, so here’s the other thing.  God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.  That’s still a load of you know what.

Bull Puckies?

Exactly.  I mean I get that this statement pumps people up and all that, but let’s say it’s not God dumping all this crap on us, and that he is totally just the love and goodness making things as good as they can be, then…I don’t know…maybe we don’t get more than we can handle?  Is that God’s way of protecting us?

Here is how I look at it.  Everyone gets more than they can handle.  But it’s never more than God can handle.  So when you feel overwhelmed, turn it over to God.  Don’t even try handling it yourself, call on that power of peace and love and inner strength.  You already know that.

I do.

And that gets God off the hook of being the bad guy.  Love is way more powerful than hate, and it may be harder to see at times, especially that, and let me say it, that force that lives and moves in all things, but it’s there, gently bending, leading, guiding, even in the worst situations, lifting people in pain into comfort, warmth, and way beyond those when it comes to the big picture of eternity.

Well, you’re making my head explode.  That was heavy.  But I feel lighter, and actually, now that I can totally reject that statement, I can at least feel less angry about it all.  You know, GA, it’s not just that I want to think of God as love, but I need to think of God as love.  If he’s not loving, or pure love, as you say, I don’t think I could make sense of my life, Mom, the cancer, and letting go of worrying about Luke.  I need to reject any idea that God could be responsible for the pain we’ve been through.  Otherwise, I couldn’t believe in him anymore.  Otherwise…it would all be a horrible joke.  Maybe even a crime.

So, there is this man I know who had all these back issues.  I mean he had two titanium rods put in his back, and like five hundred operations, and like me, he struggled with the cancer that caused the whole thing, which brings up personal issues for me as well, but that’s another story.  But to get to the point, he was such a good man, someone who always did the right thing, and he was so friendly to me, working at the business office at school, he’d always have a smile, and he was kind of known as the guy who always got the job done, and his kids all grew up to be awesome, and in fact one of them taught me in school, and he suffered so much for the last five or maybe seven years, and well.  I hate it.  Yeah.

He passed away yesterday.  I know.

Yeah, one more operation, and he didn’t make it.  God!  Just hang on.

I’m sorry.  I’m sorry for his suffering, for his family, and for all of you he’s leaving behind.  Maybe that’s all I should say right now.  I know you probably don’t want to hear more than this at this moment.  Am I right?

Why do some people make it and others don’t?  It really brings it home to me.  No miracle at the end of the day, no personal lessons learned.  Just a grinding down to a halt and the machines get turned off, and the lights go out.  I’ve lived that a thousand times since, since….

I hear you.  But Nicole, you don’t know that there were no lessons learned.  Of course there were!  A lifetime of lessons, not just for that brief moment or breath we take in this world, but for the breath of fresh spring air he is taking right now, and every person born on earth will take to eternity.  You know that!  I know you know that!

It’s easy for you to day, cause like you’re an angel.  But hard to see it from the perspective of watching people who seem so good and fresh and young at heart deteriorate on the outside.

Exactly Nicole, on the outside!  How old was he?  Pretty old, like he had a great life, and if you could ask him now, and I could do that for you if you want, he’d tell you that.  But you said it, he was young and vibrant on the inside.  And that body is just like a space suit we walk around in while we are in this world, and it gets old and worn out, and when it’s time, we leave that space suit behind, and are born into the real world of spirit, and heaven.  He’s free!  Imagine him waking up into the morning sun of heaven free from that body full of pins and rods, and opening up his arms, standing and stretching like a young man in the prime of his youth.  Feel the tears of his joy when he does that.  It’s cool to be able to see that, and I’ve seen it.  That’s one perk being over on this side.  You get to see people so surprised to wake up and be whole again, free and young, and beautiful.  Well, most people….

There is this dark part inside of me that doesn’t want to believe that.  It says that’s wishful thinking.  But I do know, and maybe it’s just faith, but I kind of feel like I actually “know” that there’s something to this.  Maybe because I experienced my own body totally decaying from chemo, and the cancer working on destroying my brain, and my hair falling out, and turning green, and puking my freekin lungs out, and feeling like the whole world was tuning out, I could still feel, even then, that I was alive inside.  Not just alive, I fought for life.

You did, Nicole, you fought like, well, like…

Hell?

No, I was going to say, “Like heaven.”  There’s this beautiful passage in Isaiah, and I want you to think of this in terms of those young souls trapped in those old bodies, finally being freed, and restored to their prime in heaven.  Sure, be sad.  He’s not coming back, but we’re all going to end up in the same place, and be glad for him that he’s made the trip, and isn’t suffering anymore.  Even if it’s a matter of faith, like you said, something inside just knows.  Doesn’t it?

“Have you not known?  Have you not heard?  The everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary.  His understanding is unsearchable.  He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might he increases strength.  Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall.  But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength: they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary.  They shall walk and not faint.”  (Isaiah 40:28-31)

I can’t help thinking about all the people suffering around the world, especially innocent people that didn’t do anything wrong.  Like they were just minding their own business in those little villages in Japan, and then a wave comes and washes them away, or worse yet, and I know, washes their mom and dad away, and they have nothing but sorrow.

I’ve been thinking about them too.  It is very sad.  I just want to acknowledge that and sometimes it seems best not to try to rationalize why those things happen, but rather first just let the love and tears come out.

Well, I wasn’t looking for some pat answer to make it all better, but you must have something to say.  Please don’t say that was an act of God.  If God does stuff like that, I’d rather no know him.  What do you think GA?

I think the whole idea that these things are acts of God comes from the time we were all living in caves carrying around spears, and we felt like the whole world was efffing with us.

OMG!  You said the F bomb?  Sort of?

Nicole, why is it that you can say these things but you expect me to talk in some foreign language.  I’m just talking your language, accommodating to your potty mouth teen-angst-uneducated-low-class way of speaking.

You’re a real…well, if I said it, then I’d just be confirming what you just said.  Put it this way, I know you’re just joking with me, and I’m glad you are “accomodating” to my level — the  level of the REAL!  So, welcome to the real world, space cadet.  Now, you got a point.  It can feel like God is…

OK, OK, MESSING with us.  Think about it, the Greeks and Romans picked right up on it, they refined their paranoia about the world, and how small they were, and how every mysterious consequence of nature or fortune seemed to be happening TO them, so they made up all these gods who were actually playing with the human race like pons in a chess game, or worse.  But that’s not the God I know.  Mind you, I’ve never actually sat down and had a conversation with the Big Guy, but it’s not the God I know inside or the God anyone here in heaven talks about.

What do they say?

They say, and I know this is true, that really God is love.

Oh duh.  That’s so trite.

No, listen.  It’s not that God is loving, like some guy with a long beard on a throne who happens to be very loving, except if you cross him up and he sends a lightening bolt your way, or throws you into hell.  That doesn’t happen.  God is LOVE.  I mean that in the sense of God is LIFE, ENERGY, that Creative Force outside and inside the universe that lives and moves in all things, sending only the warmth and light of his very nature to us and into us, and through us, and everything.  Never think of God “doing it to you.”  God is bigger than that.  God doesn’t DO bad things, because LOVE doesn’t do bad things.  It won’t.  It…ready?….wait for it….wait for it…God can’t do bad things.  It’s against his very nature.

So, stuff happens and then you die?

Hahah, thanks for controlling your mouth.  Well, it’s complicated, having to do with Divine Love and human freedom, and from that the forces of good and evil, which are results of how we receive God’s love and incorporate it into our lives for negative or good, and how that affects the spiritual realities, and yep, even the weather, and also ties into just the laws of nature itself, and being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

You’re either being very deep or just throwing me off track by using big words and concepts to make me think you’re on to something.

More for some other time.  I promise.  But what I do want you to see, is that even in the worst of times, don’t think of God as being on the other end of the big stick when it goes WHAM!  Rather think of God as being the incredible force of love surrounding all in pain, inside all bringing relief, in the laws of nature and spirit helping good come out of everything, I mean everything, if you let it happen.  You don’t have to accept bad things, just accept that there is a force in this world that is care itself, pulling you so gently out of the pit, sometimes quite literally.  And those who were swept away…a moment of fear and pain and darkness awakens to a world of light and peace.  I know.  I was with many of them yesterday.  They are safe, warm, comforted, and we’re all going to be together someday, in this new world called heaven.  I know you know this, or you wouldn’t be talking to me.

Well, like I said.  I feel such pain for them.  But what you are saying is even in the pain, don’t give up on the forces of love working in those times, unseen forces that do amazing things in the worst of times.

Yep, something like that.

Or like shit happens, but you’re never left alone in it.

No, I wouldn’t have put it that way.  Some day maybe you’ll grow up.

Yeah, after you, Sir.

Dear Guardian Angel,

It’s all happening!

GA: You mean the book?

Nicole: Duh, of course the book!

GA: I thought you meant all the problems in the world.

Nicole: Yeah, they are happening too, but don’t you think the Diary will help?  I mean, GA, that’s what you said would happen.  If I’m putting myself out there for nothing, sharing those stupid girl troubles, and whining about this and that, and then all that good angel stuff you so sneakily got me to do on my own, all for nothing?  Well, you’re gonna get it big time.

GA: Just watch it unfold Nicole.  Even one tiny soul whispering her truth at midnight can light up the world.

Nicole: I hope so.  I really do.  At least light up someone’s life, for even a brief moment.  But if not…

GA: Hey, catch me if you can!  I got wings!