Hi GA.
Hey. It’s been awhile.
Got depressed over the weekend. Can’t say I can put my finger on it, like I went out with Tammy and a bunch of people to hear this local band play, and it was great fun. But the next day I just sank. I often find myself looking into my life to see what’s got me down, but really, sometimes I think it’s better just to say, I feel the way I feel and it will change,” and don’t get all worked up over it. It comes and it goes, and that’s just freakin life!
I suppose it depends on how low you get, and how often and things like that, but I do hear you that some of these ups and downs, especially when you’re growing up, is, well, normal.
“Normal” is a word no one has EVER applied in describing me, so that’s funny. But I consider it a compliment coming from you. Why not just be “normal” rather than always thinking I’m different or suffering like no one else, or even I’m so much smarter than most people. BTW, I am, but that’s another subject. So, I went to the funeral, you know, the man I was talking about, and I’m glad I did. The minister spent almost no time at all talking about the man’s disability in his last years of pain, and said so many good things about the man’s life I really got to see that the man had a wonderful life and did so much for so many people. I left there feeling really good about looking at person’s whole life instead of just the bad.
Can you feel that way about yourself? It sounds like you’ve been learning something.
What do you mean?
I mean maybe it’s hard to see all the good things in your life, or even see what kind of effect for good you’re having on people, and who you really are, when the hard things seem to be so big, and they’re easier to remember, I guess.
I think if there is one thing I have been learning, through all this crap I’ve been through is that sometimes the best thing you can do is just keep living.
That sounds kind of, well, depressing.
I don’t mean it like, cause if you don’t you’re gonna die. I mean like, living to see what’s next, being open, letting whatever is in front of me just be there, and pass, and something new is always…not even right around the corner. More like, something new is always right there, any time. So, even when I get down, I don’t go into this poor me thing.
Uh.
OK. OK. Shut up! I do it less!
OK
And it’s not like, hey, stay tuned! Tomorrow is going to be super duper!!! Yayzeees! That’s more Tammy’s style. Ugh. But more like, yep, here I am, and I accept that, and everything. I choose to live. And I think that’s what I liked about the funeral, and especially what his sons said about him afterward, just so glowing about their dad and all he did and was, even with his flaws, that we all have. No one’s perfect you know. You’re not perfect. Are angels perfect?
Damned straight!
Ahhh. Good. That’s what I thought. Cause you’d be a real prick if you were perfect.
Get back to your point.
Well, his life, his whole life, and his impact, from when he was born, married, kids, work, grandpa, even in his days of wheelchair and pain – he lived. He really lived, and I think that’s what I want to do. No, that’s what I am doing. And that can be really a quiet kind of life, or rock the hell out of the world, in a good way.
Of course. I mean if you’re going to rock hell out of the world, that’s good. It’s when you rock it into the world, then we’ve got a problem.
And I guess I have hope.
I know you heard the minister at the end. That he’s left his crutches behind, and he’s up there playing ball, and meeting all his friends, and having a blast. In fact, I had a catch with him yesterday.
You just make this crap up.
Not really. I did it for you. I wanted to see first hand his transition into this world in spirit, and watch him grow into the young, bright, happy soul he really always was inside. I just wanted to be able to meet him after you talked with him, and not say anything, but maybe, “Hello, and throw over here!” And I wanted to come back here and tell you personally, that he’s himself now, more than ever before, and in the eyes of eternity, it’s all really, really good. … But you kind of told me that before I could tell you.
Well, I can feel it. But that you would do that for me, makes me happy. And thinking of him, like you described, makes me want to cry.…in a good way.
